


Imprint. 




An I. Sr.ni,- 1. 



THE MINOR DRAMA 

No. VI. 



USED UP. 

A PETIT COMEDY 
IN TWO ACTS. 

TRANSLATED FROM THE FRENCH OF " l' HO.MME BLASe' 

BY CHARLES "maTHEWS. 



WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARACTERS 
RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. 



NEW YORK: 
JOHN DOUGLAS, No. 11 SPRUCE STREET. 

AMD FOR SALE BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 
1848. 



EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 

The present (and only published) edition of the petit comedy 
of " Used Up," is an excellent adaptation from the French of 
''L' Homme Blase," by Charles Mathews, Esq., having been 
translated by that gentleman as weU on account of its intrinsic 
merit, as for its pecuhar fitness to his abilities for representing 
the hero of the piece. Sir Charles Coldstream. It is needless to 
say, that he acted it to the very life. 

The character of Sir Charles, excepting that as a matter of 
course it is somewhat exaggerated, is truthfully and beautifully 
drawn. The utter ennui of a man, who, having no definite end 
in view but to kill time, has exhausted every source of pleasure 
and excitement ; his mental inanity ; his apparent physical im- 
becility, notwithstanding that on excitement he proves himself 
to be no unworthy boaster of being the favourite pupil of the ve- 
teran pugiHst, Cribb ; the voraciousness of his appetite in the 
second act, when he is compelled to assume the appearance and 
functions of a plough-boy— are all depicted by the hand of a 
master. The part of Ironbrace, also, is very etTective ; whilst 
that of Mary pourtrays some of the finest qualities that belong 
to her sex. 

This piece was first produced in New York at the Olympic 
Theatre in October, 1846. Mr. Walcot, as Sir Charles, was, in 
the first act, in his element— Mathews himself could have de- 
sired nothing better ; whilst Nickinson, as Ironbrace, presented 
a portraiture of exceeding graphic accuracy. 

" Used Up" can scarcely fail to be one of our most popular 
afterpieces, now that it has been placed in the hands of the pub- 
lic. For the opportunity to do this, we have to acknowledge 
our obligations to Mr. Mitchell, to whose kindness we are in- 
debted for the MS. from which this edition is printed. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 







Sir Charles Coldstream, Bart. 


Mr. C. Mathewt. Mr. Walcot. 


Sir Adonis Leech 


" Tilbury. " Conover. 
" Brindal. " Clark. 


Honourable Tom Sa-v-iUe - 


■Wurzel, a Farmer - 


" Bland. " Eyerard. 


John Ironbrace, a Blacksmith 


" Howe. " Nickinson 


Fennel, a Lavryer - 


" Gough. " Levere. 
" Clark. " Bleecker. 


James ... 


Lady Clutterbuck - 


Mrs. Humby. Mrs.H.Isherwood. 


Mary Wurzel . 


Miss J. Bennett. Miss Roberts. 



The Costumes are those of the present day. Ironbrace should 
wear a leather apron, and have his shirt sleeves rolled up. 

Time of representation, 1 hour and 10 minutes. 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 

R. meanB Right ; 1.. Left; R. D. Right Door ; h. D. Left Door ; 

S. B. Second Entrance; V. E. Upper Entrance; M. D. Middle Door 

RELATIVE POSITIONS. 
R., means Right; L., Left; C, Centre; R. C, Right of Centre; 
L. C, Left of Centre. 



USED UP. 



ACT I. 

Scene I. — A Saloon in Sir Charles Coldstream's House, 
at KIngston-upon-Thamcs — Window, L. s. E. — Door 
leading to Lawn, R. 3d E., — door L. 3d E. — Folding 
doors, c. Sofa, r., Ornamental Table, Sfc. 

Enter James, c^ and Ironbrace, Jrom h. 

James. Oh, Ironbrace, you are come ! 

Iron. Yes, Master James ; what's the job ? 

James. You see that window 1 

Iron. It's big enough. 

James. It looks out upon the river, and that's where the 
balcony's to be. 

Iron. [Looks out.] Ah, I see; the water flows up to the 
very wall. 

James. This is the deepest spot in the Thames, herea- 
bouts, of any near Kingston — I wonder no balcony has 
been put up before ; I am sure, whenever I am obliged 
to open that window, (for it is Sir Charles's favourite 
smoking spot) — I get so giddy ; — and as there's nothing 
there but a bar of wood — oh, if anybody should — oh ! 

Iron. I suppose, then, he sent for me to put up a balco- 
ny on your account. 

James. Principally, I think, for he said he rather liked 
it himself — it was an excitement. 

Iron. A what 1 

James. An excitement — a sensation. 

Iron. I don't understand. 

James. Of course not : how should you, you ignoramus 1 
— he's always sighing for what he calls excitement — you 
see every thing is old to him — he's used up, — nothing 
amuses him — he can't feel. 



6 USED UP. [AcTl. 

Iron. Can't he ? I wish I had him on my anvil for five 
minutes. 

James. But he values my health, respects my feelings ; 
Indeed, I am more his confidant, than his valet. 

SaviUe. [ Withiji.] James, you scoundrel ! 

Iron. Scoundrel ! does he mean you ] 

James. Ahem ! — no, that's Mr. Saville's voice. Sir 
Charles, you see, is lunching within, with a few friends, 
and amongst friends, you know — 

Leech. [Putting his head out, c^ James, you rascal, if 
you don't bring that claret, I'll pitch you out of that win- 
dow ! [Retires. 

Iron. Very free and easy ! why don't you return the 
joke, and fling the tongs at .him ] 

James. This completes the first dozen. [Opens c. d. 
and discovers Sir Chas., Leech, and Saville, at table. 

Sir C. James, bring in the pates de foie gras, which ar- 
rived from France last week. 

Leech. I rise to propose an amendment. 

All. Hear ! hear ! 

Leech. That after the words, " bring in the pate de foie 
gras," shall be added, " and another case of champaigne." 

All. Ah ! ah ! hear, hear ! 

Sir C. With all my heart. — ^James, champaigne ! 

[ The doors are closed. 

Iron. Happy set of devils, those rich fellows are ; they 
eat one half their money, drink the other half, and give 
the rest to the poor. That's the trade I should like, only 
I havn't got the right tools to follow it. 

Enter Marv, l. 

Mary. No one here 1 — oh, Mr. Ironbrace, is that you ? 

Iron. What, little Mary, niece of old Fanner Wurzel, 
of Copse Hill, — how dost do, lass \ how's your worthy 
uncle ] he's an old friend of mine. I suppose you have 
come here to Sir Charles to pay your uncle's rent, eh ? 

Mary. No — my mother was' his nurse, and was very 
fond of him, — indeed, Sir Charles and me used to play 
together, in this very room, some years ago ; but I sup- 
pose he has forgotten me by this time. 

Iron. Very likely, or grown ashamed of you, perhaps. 

Mary. No, no, for he is too generous and kind for that. 



ScErnil.] USED UP. V 

When he heard my mother was ill, (for the Steward wrote 
him word of it) — though he was somewhere abroad, I 
don't know where, but very far away, he sent to her to 
say, that she should have whatever she wanted — she bor- 
rowed c£20,— ah !— [S/^//«.] Then she died ! 

Iron. Did she require £20 to die with ? 

Mary. No, it was to pay the doctor's bill. 

Iron. Ob, I see : he got <£20 for the killing of her. 

Mary. I have made up the sum by shillings and six- 
pences, and have brought it here to pay him. 

Iron. Come, that's honest, however ! 

Mary. Besides, I have been educated at his expense, 
because I was his foster-sister. I can read, and write, 
and love music, and — 

Iron. And therefore, of course, hate churning, and 
washing, and darning, and — 

Mary. No, no, 1 love them, for 'twas by such means I 
made up this sum to pay him back again. It's a great 
blessing to be quick at one's needle, Mr. Ironbrace. 

Iron. Is it ? — I can't say — I never worked at it, but I 
have often heard talk abour it, — much too often. And now 
you live with your uncle, eh ? 

Mary. Yes : he's sometimes a little cross, but vei-y good 
to me. 

Iron. Ah ! I wish I had met you, Mary, about a twelve- 
month ago, I should now have been a man of substance, 
instead of the poor devil you see me. 

Mary. Indeed ! 

Iron. Yes, I should have maiTied you, instead of ruin- 
ing myself for one who — no matter. Ah, Mary, I have 
had a severe trial ; I have had a blow I shall never reco- 
ver, — a blow that would have felled an ox ; but I was 
rock — 1 survived it ! 

Mary. A blow ! 

Iron. Ay, a blow ! not from a man ; no, no, I flatter my- 
self no man dare try that game with John Ironbrace ! no, 
'twas a woman who dealt it me. 

Mary. A woman ! 

Iron. Yes, she was a milliner, in a great house in Pic 
cadilly ; at that time I had a good Iron Foundry in Dru 
ry Lane ; till one fatal night I met her at a ball — 

Mary. Oh ! a ball ! 



8 USED UP. [Act I. 

Iron. Yes, at White Conduit Gardens ; and before I 
had looked twice at her, her eyes made two holes in my 
heart as clean as a punch. For eight months I courted 
her ; till at last, 'twas agreed we should be welded. 

Mary. Wedded, you mean. 

Iron. It's welded, in my trade — when, after spending a 
honeymoon of three months, the very first time I had oc- 
casion to leave town, hang me, if she didn't run away ! 

Mary. And didn't you follow her 1 

Iron. Ah, I wish 1 hadn't, for I neglected my business 
to hunt every comer in London for her — though I might 
as well have looked for a needle in a bottle of hay ; till 
at last 1 was lodged in the list of bankrupts, and here I 
am a poor blacksmith, instead of a master founder. But 
only — [Clenches his Jist,\ let me catch the fellow who has 
played me false ! — 

Mary. Why agitate yourself any more about a woman 
who did not love you 1 

Iron. Not love me 1 she doated on me ! 

Mary. And yet she left you 1 

Iron. She didn't — 1 won't believe it — she must have 
been carried oft' — she's a prisoner somewhere now ! 

Mary. D'ye think so 1 

Iron. I am sure of it. [Gets gradually enraged.] There's 
some scoundrel at the bottom of it all ! I don't know 
who he is, nor what's his name ; but if ever I clap my 
fist upon him, hammer and tongs ! but he shall remember 
it! 

Mary. Oh, Mr. Ironbrace, you should not be so pas- 



Iron. I'm not passionate! I'm quite cool! — But only 
let me get one thump at him ! 

Mary. Mr. Ironbrace ! 

Iron. He shall take it for the kick of a young horse ; 
he shall say — 

Mary. Oh I— 

Iron. Stand out of my way — ^no ! [ beg pardon, not 
you, Mary — did I frighten you ] — you have nothing to di> 
with it — no, no, it isn't you — 

Mary. You should'nt go on so, Mr. Ironbrace. 

Iron. [ Violently.] I can't help it, it's my nature I 



ScElfEl.] USED UP. » 

Rb-enter James, c. 

James. Sir Charles is coining — Ironbrace, you must 
postpone your job for an hour or so. 

Mary. But 1 want to see him. 

James. You ! — what an idea ! — run away with y(m, di- 
rectly ! 

Mary, But where am I to gol 

James. Where you like, only you can't stay here ; go 
to the kitchen, or to the garden, or any place you can 
find, so that you go out of this. 

Mary. I won't go till I have seen him, that I am de- 
termined. 

Iron. That's right, lass ; I like your spirit. Come, we'll 
go together, and I'll tell you all my sorrows over again, — 
[Takes her arm,] it does me good to unload my heart to 
you; it eases me: and one day I shall fall in with that 
scoundrel — and then, hammer and tongs ! 

Mary. Oh, you hurt my arm ! 

Iron. Oh, 1 beg pardon : I fancied I had hold of him. 
[Exeunt, R. u. E. 

Enter Sir Charles, Sir A. Leech, Hon. Tom Saville, c. 
all laughing except Sir Charles. 

Sav. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Come, Leech, confess. 

Sir C. James, cigars in the billiard room. — [ To guests^ 
We'll join you directly. Come, Leech, your confession. 

Leech. With all my heart. I don't care, why should I % 
she was more than a match for me, and I own it. She 
was the wife of an ironmonger, or some vulgar thing of 
the sort — she caught my fancy one day in Long Acre, and 
my valet, who manages these matters for me, found out 
her abode, watched the husband out of town, and then 
hastening to the wife, with the news of his sudden death, 
the bait took, and she followed him to the spot where the 
accident was said to have occurred. 

Sav. Where, instead of the husband, she found — 

Leech. Me ! — popped her into a carriage and four, and 
galloped off with her. 

Sat: Bravo! Victory! 

Leech. Not at all : she was in my house above a month, 
and although she believed her husband dead and buried 
too at my expense, she would not listen to me as a lover. 



10 USED UP. lAcTl. 

but asked me if my intentions were honourable — ha ! ha! 
ha! 

Sav. Ho ! ho! ho ! 

Lcec/i. But you don't laugh, Coldstream I come, man, be 
amused for once in your life — you don't laugh. 

Sir C. Oh, yes, I do, 7)ian cher. — You mistake, 1 laugh- 
ed twice distinctly — only the fact is, 1 am bored to death. 

Leech. Bored 1 what ! after such a dejeuner as that you 
have given us 1 Look at me, I'm inspired — I'm in the 
seventh heaven of delight ! 

Sav. You drank more champaigne than any of us, and 
yet you are as dull as a funeral — you are not elated by it. 

Sir C. Not the least in the world : why should 1 1 I've 
drank so much of it in my time — I know it by heart — 
there's nothing in it. 

Leecfi. Nothing in it ! every thing's in it — I'm a King 
at this moment, and all the world is at my feet. 

Sir C. My dear Leech, you began life late — you are a 
young fellow — forty-five — and have the world yet before 
you — I started at thirteen, lived quick, and exhausted the 
whole round of pleasure before I was thirty. I've tried 
every thing, heard every thing, done every thing, know 
every thing, and here I am, a man at thirty-three, literally 
used up — completely Haze. 

Leech. Nonsense, man! — used up, indeed! — with your 
wealth, with your little heaven in Spring Gardens, and 
your paradise here at Kingston-upon-'Thames, — 

Sav. With twenty estates in the sunniest spots in En- 
gland. 

Leech. Not to mention that Utopia, within four walls, 
in the Rue de Provence, in Paris. Oh, the nights we've 
spent there— eh, Tom 1 

Sav. Ah ! 

Sir C. I'm dead with ennui. 

Leech. Ennui ! do you hear him, Tom ? poor Croesus I 

Sir C. Croesus ! — no, I'm no Croesus. My father — 
you've seen his portrait, good old fellow — he certainly 
did leave me a little matter of =€12,000 a year, but after 
all— 

Leech. Sf Sav. Oh, come ! — 

Sir C. Oh, I don't complain of it. 

Leech. I should think not. . , 



Sc£SE I.] 



11 



Sir C. Oh, no, there are some people who can mange 
to do on less — on credit. 

licecli. I know several — 

Sav. My dear Coldstream, you should try change of 
scene. 

Sir C. 1 have tried it — what's the use ] 

Leech. But I'd gallop all over Europe. 

Sir C. I have — there's nothing in it. 

Leech. Nothing in all Europe! 

Sir C. Nothing — oh, dear, yes ! I remember, at one 
time I did somehow go about, a good deal. 

Sav. You should go to Switzerland. 

Sir C. I have been — nothing there — people say so 
much about every thing — there certainly were a few gla- 
ciers, some monks, and large dogs, and thick ankles, and 
bad wine, and Mont Blanc; yes, and there was ice on 
the top too ; but I prefer the ice at Gunter's — less trouble, 
and more in it. 

Leech. Then if Switzerland would'nt do, I'd try Italy. 

Sir C. My dear Leech, I've tried it over and over 
again, and what then 1 

Sav. Did not Rome inspire you] 

Sir C. [Crosses to c.J Oh, believe me, Tom, a most hor- 
rible hole ! People talk so much about these things— 
there's the Colosseum, now — round, very round, a goodish 
ruin enough, but I was disappointed with it ; Capitol — 
tolerable hisjh ; and St. Peter's — marble, and mosaics, and 
fountains, dome certainly not badly scooped, but there 
was nothing in it. 

Leech. Come, Coldstream, you must admit we have no- 
thing like St. Peter's in London. 

Sir C. No, because we dont want it ; but if we wanted 
such a thing, of course we should have it. A dozen gen- 
tlemen meet, pass resolutions, institute, and in twelve 
months it would be run up ; nay, if that were all, we'd 
buy St. Peter's itself, and have it sent over. 

Leech. Ha, ha ! well said, you're quite right. 

Sav. What say you to beautiful Naples ? 

Leech. Ay, La Belle Napoli 1 

Sir C. Not bad, — excellent water melons, and goodish 
opera ; they took me up Vesuvius — a horrid bore ; it 
emoked a good deal, certainly, but altogether a wretched 



12 USED UP. [Act I. 

mountain ; — saw the crater — looked down, but there was 
nothing in it. 

Sav. But the bay ? 

Sir C. Inferior to Dublin. 

Leech. The Campagna. 

Sir C. A swamp ! 

Sav. Greece 1 

Sir C. A morass! 

Leech. Athens 1 \ 

Sir C. A bad Edinburgh! 

Sav. Egypt 1 

Sir C. A desert! 

Leech. The Pyramids'? 

Sir C. Humbugs ! — nothing in any of them ! Have 
done — you bore me. 

Leech. But you enjoyed the hours we spent in Paris, at 
any rate ] 

Sir C. No ; the danseuse was too approachable, and 
my friend's wife gave me too much trouble. I was dy- 
ing for excitement gambling gave me none, and wo- 
man no longer interested me. In fact, I've no appetite, 
no thirst ; every thing wearies me — no, they fatigue me. 

Leech. Fatigue you ! — I should think not, indeed ; you 
are as strong as a lion. 

Sir C. But as quiet as a lamb — that was Tom Cribb's 
character of me : you know I was a favourite pupil of his. 
I swear I'd give a thousand pounds for any event that 
would make my pulse beat ten to the minute faster. — Is 
it possible, that between you both you cannot invent some- 
thing that would make my blood boil in my veins, — my 
hair stand on end — my heart beat — my pulse rise — that 
would produce an excitement — an emotion — a sensation 
— a palpitation — but, no ! — 

Leech. I've an idea ! 

Sir a You? 

Sav. What is It 1 

Leech. Marry ! 

Sir C. Hum ! — well, not bad, there's novelty about the 
notion ; it never did strike me to — oh, but, no : I should 
be bored with the exertion of choosing — if a wife now 
could be had like a dinner — for ordering. 

Leech. She can, by you — take the first woman that 
comos : on my life, she'll not refuse =£12,000 a-year. 



Scene I.] USED UP. ]3 

Sir C. Come, I don't dislike the project ; I almost feel 
something like a sensation coming. I haven't felt so exci- 
ted for some time : it's a novel enjoyment — a surprise ! 
I'll try it. 

Enter J.\mes, l. 

Jatnes. Lady Clutterbuck, Sir Charles, to wait upon 
you. 

AU. Ha ! ha ! now's your time. 
Sir C. Clutterbuck ! — who's that ? 
James. Our neighbour, sir. 
Sir C. Is she a widow ? 
James. I don't know, sir. 

Sir C. If she's a widow, shew her up ; if she has a 
husband, shew her out. Well, sir, why do you hesitate ? 
James. Beg pardon, sir, but I never knew you object to 
a husband before. 

Sir C. Begone. [Exit James, l. 

Sav. Why, you don't mean to say — 
Sir C. I do, so away with you. 

Leech. Quite right— the letter of the law— the first that 
comes — success to Clutterbuck ! 

Sir a Away with you, then! [Exeunt Leech and Sa- 

ville, R., laughing and closing door after them. 

Enter James, l. 

James. Lady Clutterbuck. [Exit, l. 

Enter Lady Clutterbuck, l. 
Sir C. She is a widow, then. 

Ladi/ C. Sir Charles Coldstream, I presume. I have not 
the pleasure of knowing you, and I believe you have not 
the ljTi:;.)u:- of knowing me. 

Sir C. [Aside.] A good he ginnm g.— [Aloud.] May I 
take the liberty of inquiring, madam — but pardon me — 
first, I believe, you are a widow 1 

Lady C. Yes, sir. — [Aside.] How very odd ! 
Sir C. Then permit me to offer you a cha.ir.— [Aside.] I 
can't propose so abruptly. [Thei/ sit. 

Lady C. Sir Charles, we will proceed to business. 
Sir C. [Feeling his j'ulse.] No sensation as yet, my 
pulse is calm ! 

Lady C. I ventured to intrude upon your generosity, 



j^ USED UP. ^ rAcTl. 

Sir Charles, in favour of our infant school ;-the girls are 
eadly in wakt of blue mittens, and the boys of corderoy- 
a_J_corderoys-any subscription most gratefully ac- 
knowledged in the Morning Post . 
Sir C [With Ms hand on his pulse.] No, not the slight- 

^^^LadT'a I beg you won't say that, Sir Charles. 

Sir C. Might I ask, madam— we are neighbours, I be- 

^'^lX C. My house is close to yours-a mere cottage, 
but I remain there with pleasure, as it was there I lost my 
poor husband. , 

Sir C I understand— the pleasures of memory ;— and 
have we bachelors suffered for any length of time the dis- 
grace of your widowhood ? 

sfc. i say,' madam, is it long that you have enjoyed 
your misfortune 1 . 

Lady C. Oh, a considerable period. 
Sir C A good match, the lamented Clutterbuck 1 
Lady C. Ah— h, sir, I have been wedded twice. 
Sir C. The devil ! ^ . 

Lady a My first, poor Ironbrace, wooed me from a 
flourishing business in town. 

Sir C. Musical ? . r j » 

Lady C. No, millinery ; he was an ironfounder,— not 
handsome, but — 

Sir C. Good ^ , , . /r 

Lady a No, sir, wealthy; while I had nothing to offer 
him, as dowry, but my virtue. 
Sir G. Ah ! little enough ! 

Ladu C. Sir ! . , . * i • 

Sir C I simply remarked, that in this money-making 
a<re, mere virtue— unfortunately— but pray proceed. 

°Lad,, a Three months after marriage, news reached 
me of his death. I immediately quitted London with 
what fortune I possessed, to hide my tears at a watermg 
place, where I met Sir Stephen Clutterbuck, a li«le wizen 
old gentleman, who wore powder ; but one couldn t look 
upon that as a physical objection, you know, sir- 

Sir C. On the contrary, madam. , _,. t 

Lady C. He offered me his hand and heart— a heart ot 
five-and-fifty is rather — 



Scene I.] 



16 



Sir C. Tougli ! 

Lady C. A hand of half a century seemed to me a — 

Sir C. A paw — I catch the idea ! well, you sighed, 
thought of your unprotected state, and took the heart and 
the— 

Lady C. Exactly ; besides, he kept his carriage, and 
his family was good — his name a pretty one — you think 
Clutterbuck a pretty one, don't you, sir 1 

Sir C. Distingue, madam. 

Lady C. When, what, sir, do you think I discovered, a 
\yeek after our marriage ] 

Sir C. That he had a ready-made family. 

Lady C. Worse, sir ! 

Sir C. A couple of other wives'? 

Lady C. Worse again— sir, he hadn't a sixpence. 

Sir C. Just now, you said he had a carriage. 

Lady C. So he had, but no horses— 'twas only jobbed. 

Sir C. Oh, Corpo di Bacco, — then 'twas a swindle ! 

Lady C. He soothed my indignation — for he had a good 
heart withal — by making me the only atonement in his 
power. 

Sir C. I see — he left the country. 

Lady C. No, he died. 

Sir C. Better still. 

Lady C. Yes. However, notwithstanding his beha- 
viour, I mourned him the legular time. 

Sir C. It does honour to your head and heart, madam. 

LadfC. [She rises.] But in your delightful conversation, 
I forgot the object of my visit. 

Sir C. [Puts chairs i/p.] Your pardon : my steward will 
give you a check for twenty guineas. 

Lady C. You are generosity itself— good morning, Sir 
Charles. 

Sir C. Permit me ; delighted to have made the ac- 
quaintance of so lovely a neighbour — farewell. \Ri71gs 
bell, exit Lady C, l. — Yazvns.] Rather an odd woman, 
that, and rather amusing for a short time — but stay— by 
Jove, I forgot to propose to her. — [Runs vp.] Hollo ! 
[Calls.] I beg pardon, madam — yes — you— madam ! — one 
moment, if you please — [Comes down.] She's coming— po- 
sitively, she amused me so, that she drove the idea of mar- 
riage out of my head. 



lO USED UF [\CT I 

Re-enter Lady Clutterbuck,^. 

Lady C, Sir Charles — 

Sir C. I beg ten thousand pardons — I omitted to men- 
tion a small matter — a — a — you — you — are positively very 
good looking still. 

Ladi/ C. Oh, Sir Charles ! 

Sir C. I never pay compliments ; but of all the women 
I ever adored, (that is, the days when I did adore,) out of 
about two hundred, I may say, who have possessed my 
heart, there were several who could not in justice com- 
pare with you. 

Lady C. You are very polite, I'm sure, Sir Charles. 

Sir C. Do me the favour to look at me — observe me 
critically — how old am 1 1 

Lady C. Dear me, how odd ! — I should say about seven 
or eight and twenty. 

iS;> C. Lady Clutterbuck, do you remember the comet 
of 1811] 

Lady C. The comet ] 

Sir C. You cannot be old enough, — don't answer, per- 
haps the question is indelicate ;— but if that comet still 
existed, we should be precisely of the same age. 

Lady C. You and I, Sir Charles? 

Sir C. No, madam; I and the comet. 

\Lady C. counts her fingers, 
— I am thirty-three, madam. 

Lady C. Is this what you called me back to "lell me. 
Sir Charles ? 

Sir C. It was, madam. 

Lady C. Oh ! 

Sir C. Madam, I am by nature melancholy. 

Lady C. You 1 — why you have been saying all manner 
of funny things to me, this half hour. 

<S(> C. You are mistaken : they were melancholy truths, 
positively. Why, 'twas only last week I made ipy will, 
left all my property amongst some friends, who are now 
on a visit here, before I carried out a fancy I had enter- 
tained for some time, of hanging myself on a tree. 

Lady C. Hanging yourself on a tree ! 

Sir C. Or throwing myself into the river : I've a win- 
dow here convenient — the water flows to the wall. 



Scene I.] USED UP. 17 

Lady C. Oh, you are joking ! 

Sir C. But since I have seen you my mind is chanMd: 
I have taken up another fancy, one in which you can as- 
sist me. 

Ladi/ 0. [Aside.] What does he mean 1 — me ! 

Sir C. You ! listen : I have a house in town — estates 
in the three kingdoms, and one for a freak in the Isle of 
Man — I've a shooting box on the banks of the Mississip- 
pi ; three carriages — a — with horses — 6612,000 a-year, and 
I offer you my hand. 

Lady C. Your hand to me ! 

Sir C. I am, as I have told you, only thirty-three ; and 
according to the highest female authorities, this cannot be 
designated a'paw — [Holds out his hand,\ — will you accept 
iti 

Lady C. Sir Charles, you amaze me ! is this intended 
for a declaration of love 1 

Sir C. Quite the contrary — it is a proposal of marriage. 

Lady C. But— 

Sir C. Excuse me, I have had so much love-making in 
my time, I am sick of it — there's nothing in it — the same 
thing over and over again — I prefer coming to the point 
"t once : will you have me ? — if you accept me, you will 
do me a favour, and I shall be able to say, 1 have a charm- 
ing wife ; if you refuse me, it will be precisely the — I 
shall then simply say, I have a charming neighbour. — 
Turn it over in your mind, my dear lady — excuse my me- 
mory — give it your serious reflection ; and pray don't al- 
low my violent arguments to alarm you into matrimony. 

Enter Mary at iack, R. 

Mary. There he is. 

Sir C. Who's that 1 

Mary. 'Tis I, Sir Charles — Maiy Wurzel, — you remem- 
ber little Mary 1 

Sir C. [ Crosses to her.] Perfectly : you were my college 
bedmaker. 

Mary. No — do you forget twelve years ago 1 

Sir C. Twelve years ago — forget ! — is there any human 
being can remember twelve years ago ? — the exertion 
must be Herculean — my dear, do you think my brain a 
Parish Register, or the minutes of the House of Lords 



18 USED UP. [Act I. 

Lady C. Go, child, don't you see Sir Charles is busy at 
thig moment 1 

Blary. [Aside.] He forgets me — Ironbrace was right — 
I came, sir, to pay a debt. 

Sir C. A debt ! that was twelve years ago, I suppose — 
don't remember it. Good morning. 
Mart/. But my mother, sir — 

Sir C. Give her my regards, and say I'm engaged— 
[To Lady C] In ten minutes I will return to know if I 
am to be, or not to be— whether husband, or neighbour'? 
Lady C. Ten minutes ! — that's sudden. 
Sir C. Twelve, if you like — oh, take your own time, I 
entreat ; don't hurry on my account. 

Mary. What does he say 1 [He goes up', humming an 

air, suddenly slops and returns. 
Sir C. Lady Clutterbuck — with horses ! [Exit, c. 

Mary. Pray, madam, might I pay this money to you, 
on Sir Charles's account 1 

Lady C. In a few days you may — we are not married 
yet. 

Mary. Married ! and to you 1 

Lady C. Can you oppose any objection, moral, phy- 
sical, or legal. 

Mary. [Aside.] Dear me, what a strange eftect this 
news has upon me ; and yet it is quite natural he should 
many, of course. I ought to rejoice, but I did not expect 
to find him so changed— how I have thought of him, ay, 
every day, and he could not even remember me — thought 
I was his college bed-maker ! 

Lady C. [Aloud, but to herself.] Hum !— of course I 
shall accept him, he's handsome — 

Mary. Oh, very — I hope, madam, you will take great 
care of him ; he's very melancholy sometimes, and then 
you must be sure and — 

Lady C. Heyday, child ! — are you going to instruct me 
how to take care of a husband ■?— what is your business 
here ] 

Enter Sir A. Leech, r. 

Leech. Where is Sir Charles 1 

Lady C. Sir Adonis Leech ! 

Leech. Mrs. Ironbrace, by all that's cruel I 

Mary. Ironbrace ! 



ScEKEl.] USED UP. 19 

Lre.cTi. Have you forgiven me yet i [They talk apart. 

Mary. [Aside.] Ironbrace ! — it must be his wife, going 
to many my foster-brother ! — I'll run down and ask him 
if that's proper. I'm sure he won't allow it. 

[Exit, R. u. E. 

Leech. And you are going to marry him 1 

Lady C. What can 1 do 1 

Leech, [^side.] I wonder if Ironbrace is still alive — no 
matter : if he turns up, it will make a splendid paragi-aph 
for the Post — [Aloud.] "Where is the victim 1 

Lady C. He retired to that room, to relieve his anxiety 
during my deliberation. 

Leech. Egad, we'll acquaint him vdth his good fortune. 

Lady C. No, not yet. 

Leech. Relieve his sufferings — [Throws open c. door, 
Sir Charles is discovered asleep. 

Lady C. Asleep ! tlli wretch ! 

Leech. Ha ! ha ! 

Lady C. Leave us ! 

Leech. He's dreaming of you ! — [Sings.] " Oh, there's 
nothing half so sweet in life as Love's young dream." 

[E.Tit, R. 

Lady C. I'll awake him — hem ! Sir Charles ! 

[Shakes chair. 

Sir C. [Starting.] 'Eh — what — oh, is it you, my dear 
madam 1 — you destroyed the most delicious dream — 1 was 
dreaming of you. 

Lady^C. Oh! 

iS(> C. Yes, I dreamt that you refused me. 

Lady C. But dreams go by contraries, you know, Sir 
Charles. 

Sir C. Alas, yes. 

Lady C. What ! 

Sir C. I meant, it was agitating — I was wretched ! — 
but still it was something to be that — it was a sign of ex- 
istence. 

Ladtj C. Yes, Sir Charles, I awoke you, to say — 

Sir C. What ] 

Lady C. That the ten minutes are past. 

Sir C. What ten minutes 1 — eh — oh — ah — beg pardon; 
of course, I remember my proposal. 

Lady C. 1 have considered, and — 



20 USED UP [Act I 

Sir C. You refuse me — well — 

[ Walks to sofa and throws himself upon it. 

Lady C. I accept. 

Sir C. Aha, good ! — [Puts up his legs. 

Lady C. That surprises you, I believe. 

Sir C. Not in the least. We'll fix the happy day aa 
Boon as you please. yTakes out a cigar case. 

Lady C. Is that all the effect it produces upon you, Sir 
Charles ] 

<S(V C. Why, what effect would you have it pro — will 
you allow me ? — I beg pardon, may I offer you one ? 

Lady C. Not before dinner, thank you. 

Sir C. Perhaps you are right. \Smokes. 

Enter Ironbrace, r. u. e. 

Iron. [Aside.] Ha ! there they are at last ! yes, I think 
that I have got him now. *• 

Sir C. Come here, my dear ; sit down beside me, and 
we'll talk over the matter. 

Lady C. With pleasure. 

Iron. No you don't. iBetween them. 

Lady C. Alive ! 

Lou. Yes, alive ! — flesh and blood ! Oh, you unfortu- 
nate, undone woman ! 

Sir C. It seems my intended knows this gentleman. 

Lady C. What shall I do? 

Iron. Yes, I — I who have sought you all the world over, 
now my turn is come. 

Lady C. Before Sir Charles — 

Sir C. Good — go on — oh, don't mind me : settle your 
little matters, Mr. what's-your-name ? 

Iron. My name ! — my name is Ironbrace — I'm not 
ashamed of it, though I ought to be. 

Sir C. Ironbrace ! damme, this is the blacksmith's wife 
— this is going to be amusing. 

Iron. And is this animal the thing for which you desert- 
ed me ] this — 

Sir C. [Opening his eyes.] Heyday! 

Iron. This threadpaper — this fine-whiskered wig-block, 
that I'll flatten on the earth, like a tenpenny nail on an 
anvil ! 

Lady C. Oh, good gracious ! 



Scene I.] 



21 



Si>- C. My good friend, will you allow me to inquire 
who is the individual you propose to flatten in so agree- 
able a manner. 

Iron. You ! hammer and tongs ! 

Sii- C. Me ! — hammer and tongs ! 

Iron. As for you, degraded woman, I despise, and leave 
you to your conscience — but for you, villain ! — [Seizes Sir 
C^iarles, and drags him off sofa] — we will settle our ac- 
counts another way. 

Ijndy C. Oh, mercy on me ! 

S:ir C. Don't, I be^ — Per Bacco, this is becoming deci- 
dedly exciting ! [Feels his pulse.] An unquestionable pul- 
sation ! This is what I wanted — yes, my heart beats fast 
— hem ! — I think yon will leave this room. 

Iron. I'll give you the finest drubbing you ever got. 

Lady C. I shall faint. 

Sir C. Pray don't, till I polish off your friend, I en- 
treat. — [To Ironbrace.] Leave the room, or I must force 
you out. 

Iron. Force me ! 

Sir C. Leave the room, I say, by the door, or I'll throw 
you out of the window. 

Iron. Ha ! you ! — I should like to se-y you do it. 

Sir C. Would you 1 you shall — this is the first little bit 
of excitement I've had for a very long time. 

Iron. I've been waiting above a twelvemonth for this. 

Sir C. [Sparring.] This is about the thing, I believe. 

Iron. Oho! a bruiser! then here's Cornwall for you — 
here's a pair of pincers at your service. 

Sir C. I regret that I have only a pair of tweezers to 
offer you in return, but you are welcome.— [To Lady C] 
Do me the favour — [Gives his watch to Lady C] Thank 
y )u, will you excuse me for a moment ? — [Leads her to c] 
I can't fight before ladies— 1 will be with you immediate- 
ly — [Locks her in c.J Now, sir, since you will have it. 

[They engage. 

Iron. Oh I his grip is like a vice ! 

Sir C. I could choke you, if I liked, but let us prolong 
the fun. 

Iron. Damme — I've caught a Tartar ! 

[By this time they have wheeled up to the window, l. 

Lady C. [ Within, ringing bell.] Help ! help ! 



22 



[Irotibfocc and Sit C. disappear through the windou 
a loud crash heard. 



Enter James, l. and Mary, r. — Leech ruslies in from door 
R., Saville unlocks c. d., and lets out Lady C. 
All. [But Lady C] What has happened ? 
Mary. Where is Sir Charles 1 ( -pg^^fj^^j. 
James. And the blacksmith ? ) ° ' 
Lady C. Oh ! I don't know — out of the window ! 
James. Then they are drowned. 

[Lady C. faints, a?td falls into a chair. Mary falls 
Ifeless — general confusion. — Tableau. 

END OF ACT I. 



ACT II. 

Scene I. — The Interior of Wurzel's Farm House — Ba- 
lustrade across, with Stairs leading to it, r. — Doors lead- 
ing to Balustrade — doors at the back — door l. — Table 
and cltairs of a rustic pattern. 
WuRZEL discovered seated at a table, writing, with a large 
register. 
Wur. Joe ! Joe ! where can that stupid dolt be ? — 
Mary ! 

Mary. [Appearing from a door above, on the balustrade, 
and looks over.] Yes, uncle. 

Wur. What are you doing up there ? 
Mary. I am ironing, uncle. 

Wur. A very pretty fellow that Joe is ; here he has 
been gone above two hours. 

Mary. He will be back directly, uncle ; I am looking 
down the lane for him. 

Wur. If you had not told me that Sir Charles had re- 
commended him, I should have turned the lazy dog out a 
week ago. 

Mary. Why, uncle, you know he "brought you a letter 
from Sir Charles himself, which I saw the poor gentleman 
write on the day of that dreadful accident, three weeks 
ago. 



Wur. A dreadful accident, indeed ! I hope it was an 
accident : people don't think so. It's very lucky, I think, 
that Sir Charles was drowned, as well as poor Ironbrace. 
— Baronet, as he was, he might have been hanged for the 
murder. 

Mary. Oh, I'm sure, uncle, poor Sir Charles never 
meant to drown him, but the night was so dark, and there 
was such a fog on the river, is was impossible to give any 
assistance. 

Wur. Well, they haven't found either of them yet, 
though they've been dragging the river daily ; but when 
they do, there'll be a crowner's quest on them, and then 
you'll see if they don't bring in a verdict of wilful murder 
against Sir Charles, that's all. 

Mary. What, though he's drowned, too ? 

Wur. To be sure. Justice is blind, you know, she's not 
to know whether he's drowned or not, and Mrs. Ironbrace, 
or Lady Clutterbuck, or whatever she calls herself, swears 
she heard Sir Charles say, he would fling the blacksmith 
out of ihe window — that shows the malice aforethought — 
Oh, I k;iow the law ! 

Mary. Well, but uncle — 

1 Vur. Don't tell me — go, watch for Joe, and finish your 
ironing. yExit Mary, l. 

Enter Ironbrace, c. — rusJies to Wurzel, and throws him- 
self into his arms. 

Iron. Save me, my dear friend, save me ! 

Wur. Ironbrace ! not drowned I 

Iron. No. 

Wur. And Sir Charles 1 

Iron. Food for the fishes. 

Wur. Ha ! he is dead, then ! 

Iron. I'm a wretch, farmer ; but I didn't mean it — it was 
more his fault than mine, after all. I've been wandering, 
about the country ever since, an outcast ; I dare not return 
home, the police would be after me — save me. 

Wur. What can I do for you ? 

Iron. Hide me somewhere, that's all I ask, till the body's . 
found, and the verdict made public. 

Wur. What, here, on Sir Charles's own farm 1 

Iron. This his farm 1 



24 USED UP. [Act II. 

Wur. Yes ; and his heirs and executors are coming 
here this very day, to take possession of the estate. 

Iron. What then ? — they won't carry it away 1 

Wur. Well, my poor fellow, I'll tell you what I'll do 
for you — hush — [Goes to a trap-door, c, and lifts it up.] 
what do you say to that ? you'll be snug enough there. 

Iron. What, in that black hole 1 

Wur. I choose it, for this reason : this farm was the 
Manor House of the estate, and in old times these secret 
recesses were made for the purpose of concealing the Ja- 
cobite people, so they say — and the nook is only known 
to me, now old Sir Arthur Coldstream is dead. 

Iron. But as I'm not a Jacobite, I'd rather — 

Wur. Well, well, let me see — you can hide here in the 
wood-room, for the present. [Points to l. u. e. 

Mary. [Opening the door above.] Uncle! uncle! here's 
Joe, uncle. 

Wur. In with you — hide behind the brambles. 

Iron. I'll warrant you, I'll creep into a rat-hole, if ne- 
cessary. [Exit at door in flat, t. 

Mary. Here's Joe, uncle — here's Joe. 

[She comes down and opens door, c. 

Enter Sir Charles, in the dress of a Plough-Boy. He ad- 
vances leisurely, as if weary, and flings himself on a 
chair, l. 

Sir C. Phew ! 

Wur. Why, you impudent dog I is that th way you 
sit down before your master ] 

Sir C. No, no, it isn't that — only — oh. Lord, I'm tired 
to death ! 

Wur. A pretty plough-boy, indeed ! — tired to death 
with a few yards. 

Sir C. What do you mean by a few yards?— half way 
to London and back, that's all — twelve miles, I'll bet a 
hundred ! 

Wur. Bet a hundred ! — a hundred what — peas 1 He 
talks like a gentleman ! Damn me, if he could open his 
mouth wider, if he were landlord of the whole estate. 

Sir C. You're quite right — Mary, my dear, bring me a 
basin of soup. 

Wur, Not a spoonful — go about your business. 



Scene I.] USED UP. 26 

Sir C. Well, but damn it !— 

Mart/. Hush ! 

Wur. What's that you say ] 

Sir C. Nothing, master. 

Wur. ]f you had been home at a proper time, you 
would have had dinner — bacon and cabbage ; — but it's 
all gone. 

Mary. \ Aside.] I've put you a slice by. 

Sir C. You're an angel ! — I'm famished — I've had no- 
thing but a bit of brown bread and an onion, all the morn- 
ing. 

Wur. Well, did you deliver the letter right 1 

Sir C. Yes, master. 

Wur. Then go and put Baldface in the cait, and take 
that load of hay down to Farmer Beech. 

Sir C. Yes, master. 

Wur. And bring back a load of lime for the corner 
field. 

Sir C. Yes, master. — [ To Mary.] I suppose I must go, 

Mary. Yes, Joe. 

Sir C. I'm nearly done up. Please mayn't I take a 
lump of bread and cheese to eat, by the road. 

Wur. Not a crumb, you gluttonous rascal ; get out ! 

Sir C. That's the way I'm treated. — [Aside.] Mary, 
dear, crib me a bit, and throw it out of the window, — I'm 
going, master — oh, quel inexorable condition — sacre lieu I 

Wur. What outlandish Welsh are you jabbering there, 
you stupid bumpkin ! Follow me, sloth ; and unless you 
want to feel the cart whip, be quick. \Exit, c. 

Sir C Very pleasant, upon my soul ! The respect I 
meet with from my farmers, is quite delightful ! 

Mary. I won't be an instant with the soup — I've kept 
it hot on the copper; it was washing day. — It does my 
heart good to see you so gay — I won't be a moment ! 

{Exit, L, 

Sir C. Gay ! it's quite true, I am gay — it's a melan 
choly thing to reflect upon, but I certainly am gay, ant 
yet how can it be ? — I work like a nigger, and yet I'm ai 
hearty as a buck ! When I was — what I was — tliat is, 
when I was myself— my table loaded with all the luxuries 
of the season, I could not eat ; — the most exquisite wines, 
and yet I could not drink — I was a puny weakling. Now 



26 USED UP. [Act II. 

I drink nothing but spring water, and I drink like a fish ; 
and as for digestion, it's positively horrible to think how I 
digest — I must have the stomach of an ostrich. — It's cu- 
rious — very curious, I haven't a moment to myself, yet I 
never feel ennui, I'm never bored — I'm never languid ; — I 
breathe — I live again — I exist ! It's a very curious thing ! 

Enter Marv, l., with soup. 

Mary. Here's the soup ! 

Sir C. Oh, what a thimble-full ! — why, here isn't a pint 
and a half, I'm sure ! 

Mary. Yes — but there's the bacon coming. 

Sir C. And the cabbage — he said there was cabbage. 

Mary. So there is, but do make haste — excuse me, Sii 
Charles. 

Sir C. Hush ! — you forget I'm Joe. 

Mary. Then, Joe. 

Sir C. Dear Joe, if you like. 

Mary. Then, dear Joe ! 

Sir C. There's a darling ! 

Mary. When you speak to my uncle, try not to use the 
language of gentlemen — but be a plough-boy in thought. 

jS;V C. I am, in appetite. [Eating voraciously. 

Mary. You see, I stole you a piece of nice white bread ; 
I made it myself. Oh, I like to see you here so much 
better than at your fine house. I wish I could render this 
hard life more agreeable to you. 

<S'(> C. 'Tis beautiful ! [Tasting soup. 

Mary. Can you think sol 

Sir C. Too much pepper ! 

Mary. Your life ? 

Sir C. No, the soup. As for my position, there's but 
one thing that hangs like a blight over my life : I've des- 
troyed that of a fellow-creature — that hoiTible blacksmith 
haunts me like the statue of Don Juan — do you know the 
opera 1 

Mary. No, dear Joe. 

Sir C. In white marble. 

Mary. No. 

Sir C. Mozart's music. — Well, the figure of the wretch- 
ed blacksmith, he stands between me and rny rest — Hush ! 
— why, 'twas only two nights ago I heard a noise — looked 
round — beside me stood — 



ScESE 1.] USED UP. 27 

Mary. Ironbrace ! 

Sir C. He ! — he uttered a hollow moan ; — I gasped for 
breath — stooped my head to put out the honid vision, and 
rushed towards the spectre. 
M-ary. It was a dream. 

Sir C. Not at all, for I broke jny head against him or 
something. 

Mary. But, after all, you are not guilty — it was only 
an accident! 

Sir C. I know it; but my conscience conjures up 
dreadful things ; — at night, I see figures — hear voices de- 
nouncing me. 

Mary. Oh, if I had not paid your steward the ,£20 I 
owed him, you might have left the country with it. 

Sir C. I don't want to leave the country ; I am happy 
here ; besides, Maiy, did you remark yesterday, thai I 
pressed your hand? 

Mary. No, I didn't. 

Sir C. I did — I pressed it. — [Gels up.] Fly the country, 
indeed ! — no, Mary, I could not leave you. 

Mary. I have nothing to fear ; they wouldn't hang me 
for concealing you, would they 1 

Sir C. Would you wish me, then, to go 1 

Mary. To go — to — no — hut — no — 1 could not— -do not 
—go, unless, perhaps, you would fly to her you love. 

Sir C. tier I \oye \ — \Afproaefies her.] Mary, do you 
know there's something vei-y remarkable going on here 1 

Mary. [Looking round.] Where 1 

Sir C. No, not there — here ! [Touching his heart. 

Mary. What is it ? 

Sir a I'll tell you all- 
Mary. Hush ! [Mary puts bowl off, i,. 

Enter Wurzel, c. 

Wur. Joe, Joe, quick, they are here ! set the place to 
rights ; — the lawyer is coming, Mr. Fennel, and the gen 
tlemen. 

Mary. What gentlemen, uncle J 

Wur. The heirs and executors ! 

Sir C. [Aside.] The devil take 'em.— [Aloud.] What 
heirs-at-law 7 

Wur. The heirs of Sir Charles Coldstream, who is 
head, of course. 



xa , USED UP. [Act I.. 

Sir a What ! 

Wur. What's the matter with that fool ! — don't you 
know that Sir Charles is dead, blockhead J 

Sir C. Oh, yes, pooi devil ! 

Wur. What do you mean, then 1 

Sir C. Nothing, master. [Going. 

Wur. Stop, you idle dog, you are always going when 
work begins. 

Mary. [Asidc^ He will be recognized. 

Sir C. The lettei-s I took, then, this morning — 

Wur Were to appoint his heirs and executors, here, 
to divide the property. 

Sir C. [Aside.] I only wanted that to complete me — I 
shall have to assist at my own cutting up. 

Wur. Here they are. 

Sir C. [Aside.] Will they peneti-ate this disguise t 

Enter Fennel, Leech, and Savilie, c, 
Wi(r. Welcome, gentlemen. There, Mary — Joe, you 
dog, place chairs — make haste, you lazy villain ! 

Sir C. Yes, master. [He places chairs awkwardly — 
running against each person, hiding his face. 

Wur. Idle vagabond ! 

Sir C. Yes, master. 

War. And one at the table, for Mr. Fennel, too. [He 
does so, and goes r.] Excuse this awkward booby — he's 
-only a clod — has no idea above sheep washing. 

Fen. Don't mention it. To business, gentlemen. — 
Ahem ! Gentlemen, Sir Charles Coldstream is dead. 

All. Hear! hear! 

Sir a The butchers ! 

Fen. The law says it ; and, indeed, if he were alive, 
the law would make him dead, for the law never lies. He 
would have a bad cause to defend ; — so, although his body 
has not been found, I believe he may be considered dead 
to all intents and purposes. 

All. Dead, decidedly ! 

Sir C. [Aside.] Dead as a door nail ! — carried, nem. ccm. 

licech. Every thing's for the best — his temper was per- 
fectly insupportable ! 

Sir a [Aside.] Good. Go on ! 

Sav. Proud as Lucifer! 



Scene I.] USED IT. 29 

Sir C. [AsiiJe.] Beautiful ! Go on ! 

Leech. Unfit for our society altogether ! 

Sir C. [Aside.] In that I perfectly coincide. 

Fen. Gentlemen, this sealed will was found amongst 
the papers of the defunct. 

Sir C. \ Aside.] Here present. 

Fen. The formula is perfect ; after, it then proceeds — 
" I leave to Sir Adonis Leech, Capitalist — 

Leech. Ha! 

Mary. [To Sir C] Capitalist! is he rich, then 1 

Sir C. Not a penny — he inhabits the Capital. 

Fen. " My estates in Scotland. To the Honnurahle. Tlw- 
mas Savil/e, and the said Adonis Leech, my fstalcs at Wind- 
tor, to be divided equally between them," — the rest he leaves 
to his heir-presumptive — a distant relative. 

Sav. Well, this is the only reasonable act in his H(e. 

Leech. Except his death — ha ! ha ! 

Sir C. [Aside.] Damn his impudence ! 

Sae. He never enjoyed his money. 

Leech. We did, for him. 

Sav. He was a great ass ! 

Sir C. [Aside] 'Pon my soul, this is pleasant ! 

[ Takes out snuff-box. 

Sav. Well, Farmer, at what do you value this proper- 

ty^ . .. 

IVur. Not much, sir. &ir Charles said to me, Wurzel, 
my dear fellow — 

Sir C. [Aside.] The old scoundrel! never saw him in 
my life, before I came here. 

IVur. I must reduce your rent. 

Sir C. What a thumper ! 

fVur. What's that you say '? 

Sav. Let us view the estate ; and suppose we begin 
with this house : come. Farmer, shew us the premises — 
what's this ? [Goes to the door where Ironbrace is concealed. 

Wu.r. [Aside.\ The devil! Ironbrace is there ! — [Aloud\ 
I have not the keys with me, gentlemen — I will find them 
against you return. There, .Toe, shew these gentlemen 
over the farm. 

Sir C. Me ! 

Mary. Stay here, I'll go with them — this waV, gentle- 
men. [Exit, L. 



au L-.SKD UP. [Acr II. 

Wur. Now to let out tbe Wacksmith. 

[Exit into wood-hotue, l. f. 

iSir C. So, these are heirs-apparent ! — very pretty treat- 
ment towards a poor defunct gentleman, who has left 
them every thing! It's enough to disgust any man with 
drowning himself for the rest of his life. But I won't 
Btand it. — Oh, if I wasn't dead — I'd — stay — ha! — I have 
it — THE WILL ! — here's a brilliant idea f — [Runs to table 
and icriies.] So, a codicil on the reverse page — signed — 
so^now my friends — date — let's see, on what day was I 
drowned 1 — on the 20th — so — the 19th — ah ! — there ! By 
the bye, there must be t\vo vritnesses, let me see — Paul 
Jones and Jack Robinson. 

Re-enter Wurzel l. d. f., tcith Iroxbk.*ce. 
Wur. Now to — ha ! Joe ! — [Shuts door on Ironbraee 
quick?)/,] what do you here 1 
Sir C. Me, master ! 

Wur. You, you dog ! — to work, sirrah, to work ? 
Sir C. Ah ! I'm going. — [Aside.] Oh, if ever I live to 
be alive again, I'll double your rent, you old rascal ! 

[Exit up stairs. — Wurzel opens door, l. r. 
Wur. Here, Tronbrace, quick J 

Enter Ironbrace, l. d. f. 

You must get down into the secret cellars, they will be 
back in a moment. 

Iron. It's devilish dark ! — ^you will let me ont again ? 

Wur. Yes, yes, but haste. 

Iron. You'll bring me something to eat 1 

Wur. Every moment is full of danger — make no noise 
— quick ! [ jyiei/ I'J'e trap, c, and Ironbrace descends. 

Iron. I say, that yoang ploughman of yours is after 
your niece — take roy advice, and — 

Wur. [Slamming doicn the trap.] They are hens. 

Enter Fennel, Leech, and Saville^ l. 

Sav. 1 say it shall be. 

Leech. Shall ! — Mr. SaviUe, 1 have as much right to 
that expression as yourself. 

Sa»\ Then I'll take legal opinion, sir. 



Scene 1.] UsED UP. 31 

Leech. Take what you like, but you don't take more 
than a just half. 

Fen. \ Who has been looking over the w'ill.\ Gentlemen, 
gentlemen, you needn't trouble yourselves to quairel — 
look here, is it possible I could have overlooked it % 

All. What! 

Fen. A codicil, upon the reverse page. 

All. A codicil ! 

Fen. Dated the 19th — the day before his death.— 
\Reads?\ " As 1 may do something desperate to-morrow, I 
hereby annul all my former bequests, and leave my entire 
real and personal estates to Mary Wurzel, who I hereby 
constitute my sole heiress." 

Wur. My niece! 

All. [But Fennel] This is a fraud ! 
■ Fen. It is in the handwriting of the defunct, and part 
of the same deed, which made you his legatees. If part 
is fraud, all is fraud. [ They all look over the will. 

Enter Mary, l. s. e., wilh a tray bearing wine, ^r. 

Mary. Allow me, gentlemen, to invite you — here is 
some fresh cream, and brown bread, and strawberries. 

Sav. [Aside.] Ha ! a pretty girl ! 1 may regain the 
fortune. 

Leech. [Aside.] The heiress ! — I'll try my luck — why 
not ] — I've lost the legacy, but the girl is attackable — here 
goes. 

Fen. [Astde.] I was married last week ! 

Sav. [To Mary.] I cannot permit one so lovely to seiTe 
me. 

Leech. [On (lie other side.] Miss Mary, might I beg a 
look — a — 

Mary. What does this mean ? 

Sav. This is disgusting, Sir Adonis Leech. — Never 
mind, my dear, allow me — 

Leech. The nectar must be delicious, w^hich is sci-ved 
by so charming a Hebe. 
' Mary. Nectar ! — Hebe ! — what do you both mean 1 

Wur. Mean ? — why that you are sole heiress to Sir 
Charles Coldstream's fortune. 

Mary. I 1 [Sudde^ily /raves the tray between Sir Adoni* 
and Saville. 



32 USKU UP. [Act II. 

\fur. So, now you will leave youi- old uncle. 

Mart/. Leave you, never! — [Crosses to him.] But heir- 
cs.s ! am I his heiress ] 

Fell. I was Sir Charles's man of business — will you 
Iionour me with your orders ? 

Wur. Only assure me that you will not marry. 

A/L Cruel! not marry 1 what barbarity ! 

Mary. Where's Joe ? — Joe ! 
.Lecc/t. Who the devil is Joe 1 

Wur. My plough-boy ! 

Sai>. She's in love with him. 

Enter Sir Chari.es at back. 

Sir C. [Aside.] So, the fun's begun, it seems. 

Mary. [Aside.] Here he comes — they'll recognize him. 
[Jlloud.] Love him ? nonsense ! — love Joe — a common 
plough-boy ? — besides, he is not worth a shilling, while I'm 
an heiress ! 

Sir C. [Aside.] Ha I — ^^just in time — Et tu britic ! 

Mary. An ugly chid ! 

iS'V C. Go on. 

Mary. A sulky burapkiu ! 

Sir C. [Aside.] Don't spare me, I'm used to it. 

Mary. I certainly might have cast my eyes upon him, 
when I was only a dairy-maid ; — but now — oh, no ! 

Sir C. Can wealth so poison the purest heart '?— what 
a precious world we live in I 

Mary. Gentlemen, I must consider your claims — you 
are both deserving ; but if I must choose a husband at 

A'l. Undoubtedly! 

Mary. Permit me a few minutes' reflection alone. 

Wur. This way, gentlemen. [Exeunt Fennel, Leech, 
and SaviUe, l. As they are going out, each turns to get a 
look at Mary ; — Sir Adonis return-'', hisses his hand, and 
exits, followed by Wur~el, who returns.] Don't give up 
your liberty. Theie is not one of them but would spend 
your fortune in three weeks, and you would be deserted 
before the honeymoon was out. Promise mo that you 
will never marry, but will always remain with your poor 
uncle. 



Scene 1.] USED UP. 33 

Mary. I promise nothing at present — wait here a mo- 
ment for my decision. Now to find Sir Charles. [Exit, c. 

Sir C, who has hidden himself on the stairs, comes down 
and seises Wurzel, loTw is going. 
Wur. What do you want, Joe? are you madi 
air C. I am nearly. 

Wur. Mad ! — what does the fool mean 1 
Sir C. There's no longer any fool in the case— excuse 
me for saying so in your presence. Listen to me, old 
Wurzel. 
Wur. Old ! 

Sir C. Ay, old as the hills— superannuated ! 
Wur. Me! — I am dumb with astonishment ! 
Sir C. Consent at once to your niece's marrying whom 
she pleases, or I'll break every bone in your body. 
Wur. What! 

Sir U. We are alone here. 
Wur. Well! 

Sir C. You are not strong. 

Wur. And would you take advantage of a feeble old 
man 1 

Sir C. Oh, what, you are old now, are you 1 

[Seizes him. 
Wur. Stay, Joe ; you're a good lad, 1 believe. 
Sir C. I am. 
Wur. Brave. 
Sir C. Very. 
Wur. But rather — 
Sir C. Exactly. 

Wur. I consent to any thing you wish. 
Sir C. Honour ! 

Wur. Honour ! there's no resisting you. 
Sir C. I know it. Now you must forbid those gentle- 
men thinking of her. 

Wur. But, my dear Joe, how can I 1 
Sir a [Seizing him.] That's your affair. 
Wur. Well, well, 1 promise — ihere. 
Sir C. Now you may go. 

Wur. There's a good lad. — [Aside.] The rascal ! I'll 
trounce him for this. Good bye, Joe. 

Sir C. Good bye, [Exit Wurze/, l., shaking his JiU 



34 USED LP. [Act J I. 

behind Sir Cfiarlei'ai back.] Ungrateful girl ! on whom 1 
lavished riches — whom I loved ! Now, indeed, I feel the 
lack of that existence, wTiich I thought I expenenced 
when I was wealthy. 

Enter Marv, seeing him, c. 

Mary. Oh, my dear Joe, what an excellent idea it was 
to think of disinheriting those wretches. 

Sir C. Indeed ! do you think so ? 

Mary. I saw you coming, and feared for your detec 
tion. Believe me, Joe, I will most jealously guard youi 
fortune — 

Sir C. I've no doubt. 

Mary. 'Till means can be found to restore it to you. 
You can now escape, and gain some foreign country — 
live free, free ! 

Sir a What ! 

Mary. If I do not seem happy at the thought of your 
departure — 

Sir C. Wliy, Mary, did you understand, then, that I 
merely transferred my fortune to your hands for my own 
use ? 

Mary. Of course — but fly at once — leave me — 

Sir C. Say, before I go, that you love me. 

Mary. Love you ! 

Sir C. You do ? 

Mary. We shall be overheard. 

Sir C. Then here I stop forever, 

Mary. Well, then, I do. 

Sir C. She loves me, she loves me ! [EmJiraces her, 
and /eels his 2>iilse.] But you love me for myself, not for 
dinners? — [Aside.] How could she — she never was at 
any of 'em ? 

Mary. They are coming — what shall I do ? they will 
expect me to choose a husband. 

Sir C. Very well, choose me. [iS7/e /itrns to him, he 
sei-cs her in his arms, and kisses her. 

Rr-entrr Savili.k, Leech, a7!d Fennel, l. 
Sav. Well, fair lady. 
Leech. Have you made your choice- 1 
AU. [Seeing Sir Charles embracing her.] Hollo ! 



SCSHE i.] 



35 



Mary. Permit me, gentlemen, to introduce my future 
husband. 

Sav. Why, surely — 

Leech. Tom ! 

Sav. Leech ! 

Leech. SfSav. It's Sir Charles, himself! 

Fen. The defunct ! 

Sir C. Yes, gentlemen. 

Leech. Not dead ] 

Sir C. No, I am not, lucky for me ; and if I were, I 
should consider it my imperative duty to re-visit you. — ■ 
[Lceck and Saville approach to shake hands.] Avaunt ! — 
Begone, Van:pires! 

Fen. [Crosses to him, c.\ Sir Charles Coldstream, ex- 
cuse me — your position when you were dead, was a most 
excellent one, but — 

Sir C. [Aside.] The devil ! I forgot the damned black- 
smith. 

Fan. But since you are alive — 

Sir C. But I am not ! I'm dead — dead as a door nail — 
dead in law ! 

Fen. My duty is to secure your person. 

Man/. Heavens ! 

Sir C. What for 1 

Fen. Additional evidence has been found against you 
to-day. 

Sir C. To-day ! — by whom 1 

Fen. By yourself. Listen : — " John Ironbracc was 
drowned on the ■20th of August'' — 

*'(> C. Well— 

Fen. On the 19th, you write in your will — " As it is 
more than probable that to morrow" — I regret to state, that 
you are in an awkward position. 

All. Oh! 

Sir C. I've done it now, tliat's certain — committed sui- 
cide in spite of myself 

Leech. But Mr. Fennel, surely — 

Fen. Gentlemen — I must trouble you to clear the room ; 
it shall be guarded until the arrival of the Rural Police. 
Farmer Wurzel's now gone for them. 

Mary. My dear .Toe ! 



ao USED UP. [Act II. 

Sij- C. I am stunned, — that damned codicil ! a happy 
idea ! 

Mart/. And I have been the cause ! But, I will save 
him still. [As she goes up. places the c. Table, r. 

Fen. Come, madam. [Exeunt all but Sir C. — at c. the 
door is shut and bolted. 

Sir C. It's — it's all over with me ! — just as happiness 
was at last within my grasp — I wish you a good morning 
— it faded like a spectre from my arras. Poor Mary, 'tis 
for her sake I suffer. Niglit is closing in ; I shall be left 
alone here ; solitude is hateful to me — since a certain 
event — especially in the dark : — then the spectre rises up 
before me — a candle end — a sad emblem ! we shall last 
about the time — unhappy analogy ! — is there no means 
of escape 1 none! — Stay — surely — yes — I remember my 
old nurse — Mary's mother — used to tell me tales of this 
very house — the old Manor House — of the subterranean 
passages that were underneath the hall, to conceal Jacob- 
ites in the rebellion — the hall ! — this must be it. [Searches 
about floor.] — if I could hit on the entrance — stay, here is 
something like — let's try" — yes, it moves — it is — [Opens 
the trap, c] how devilish dark and cold — it's anything 
but inviting — no matter, I'll go down uninvited. [Goes 
down a step, and comes up again.] I tremble every limb — 
the idea of a blacksmith not knowing how to swim — it's 
perfectly ridiculous ! [Exit down trap, c] Help ! help ! 
— get out — ho ! [They are heard beneath. 

Iron. Ha ! — dog ! — assassin ! Oh, Lord ! — oh, dear ! 
[After much confused noise. Sir Charles lifts up the trap, 
leaps out, stamps it down, and stands on it. 

Sir C. Oh, Lord ! — he's there ! I've seen him ! — I've 
seen his ghost — there was a rusty smoky smell about it — 
1 felt the ghost of his arms seize me — I heard the ghost 
of his voice call me assa.ssin ! through the dim twilight 
I saw his blue features glaring on roe ; and then we began 
just such an infernal waltz, as that which preceded our 
last water excursion — round we spun in the dark, until at 
last — oh, Lord, the thought ! — I dealt him a severe punch 
on the ghost of his head — oh, fate, what hast thou next in 
store for me ! [ Ironbrace lifts a trap, k. 

Iron. So, I'm out, at last. 

Sir C. No, you don't. [Rzis/ies to trap, slams it on him. 



SOESE I] 



37 



and sits on it.] Hoitois accumulate on me — oh, if this is 
only the force of my imagination, I wish it wouM take 
another subject to amuse itself with. [Ironhrace raises a 
trap, L. 

Iron. Shall I eyer get out of this ? 

Sir C. Never ! [Runs over and slams tie trap dowit.i 
He has as many holes in tlie house as a rabbit warren ! 

Iron. \Itaises trap in c] Here's another ! 

Sir C. [Slams it dou-n.\ Down ! — down, perturbed spi- 
rit I — the ground's drilled like a cullender! What shall 1 
do ■? I only drowned one, after all, not fifty — I'm on a 
volcano — an eruption of blacksmiths ! [Noise wit/iout, c] 
Here comes the Police — I won't go — I won't be taken — 
they shan't remove me — I'm part of the fixtures. I'll 
stay here in spite of the universe. . 
Enter Wurzel, Saville, Leech, Fennel, and Mary, c. 

Marij. Where is he 1 where is Sir Charles 1 

Leech If Sav. Where is our dear friend 1 

Wur. Sir Charles, my dear landlord, you are free. 

Sir C. Free ! 

Wur. Ironbrace is preserved. 

Sir C. Yes, in spirits — Euh ! 

Wur. He is no more drowned than you are — see ! 

[Goes to lift trap,c. 

Sir C. Don't — don't ! he's there — I saw him — it's hia 
ghost ! 

Wur. His ghost 1 nonsense ! I'll let him out, dead or 
alive ! [Lifts c. trap, and Ironbrace ascends. 

Iron. Alive, if it's all the same to you. 

Sir C. Alive! — are you quite sure] Let me touch 
you— oh, by Jove, my good friend, you have no idea how 
pleased 1 am to see you — give me your hand. 

Iron. There it is — I'm glad enough to see you alive, too, 
I can tell you. 

Sir C. Are you pretty well 1 I've often thought of you 
—[Aside.] Well, I thought it was very dirty for a ghost. 

Lcirrh. What happiness to recover our friend. 
Sav. Joy ! joy ! [T/iey cross to 7iim. 

Sir C. Joy, indeed, my good friends ; and as I am sure 
you would not like it to be incomplete, do me one favour. 
Leech If Sar. Anything, my dear Sir Charles ! 



38 



[Act li 



Sir C. Never let me see your faces again. 

LeerJi I,- Sav. What ! 

Lei'cJi. A man of no refinement! 

Sav. A perfect brute ! 

Leecl). Sir Charles, I have the-honour — perhaps, when 
you feel bored with your own company, we shall hear 
from you. 

Sir C. I promise that. 

Sav. We shall hear from him to-morrow. 

Lcec/i. To-day! 

Sir C. Never ! and now, with the wisdom and good 
sense peculiar to Englishmen, who have fought, I will 
explain : — I never saw your wife in my life, till the mo- 
ment you found us together. 

Iron. No ! 

Sir C. Consequently, your fury was mis-directed.-— 
Would you know the proper object for your vengeance ? 

Iro>i. I should — hammer and tongs ! 

Sir C. There he stands ! [Poi?its to Leecli, who runs 
off, L.] Don't trouble yourself, he's not worth caring for. 

Iron. You're right : nothing's worth caring for, I be- 
lieve — the world's a bad one. 

Sir C. Psha, man ! — don't talk nonsense : tha world's a 
beautiful world, if people will but think so ; isn't it, Mary ] 

Mary. Yes ; but when people run too much after ex- 
citement, they may chance to get more than thay bargain 
for. 

Sir C. I am a living instance; but my suff«rings are 
now repaid, thanks to the disinterested affection of an 
artless girl. I've found within this lowly farm what I've 
sought in vain amidst the dissipation of Europe — a home 
— yes, I've had a good lesson — a man's happiness, after 
all", lies within himself— with employment for the mind, 
exercise for the body, a domestic hearth, and a mind at 
ease, there is but one thing wanting to complete his hap- 
piness — the approbation of his friends, without which 
there is nothing in it. 

DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS AT THE FALL OF 

THE CURTAIN. 

lEnNBBiCE. Sir C. Mary. Wubzel. SiiTiLLg 




SS3HONO0dOAUVban 



